Two years ago, I was lying on a couch in a dark cold basement, contemplating how miserable I am, when I confusedly asked myself, “What the hell am I doing with my life?”
I am not new to challenges. But this new chapter of my life, shuttered my I thought, very strong self.
We planned to immigrate to Canada years ago. I was very excited — and not. I was torn. I like the idea of discovering and striving in unfamiliar places because I considered myself a traveler, an adventurer. On the other hand, leaving my well paid career in exchange of nothing, worries me and the thought of going too far away from my family, made me doubt my choice.
I proceeded anyway.
The first few months were great! I was busy acclimatizing and familiarizing myself in my new environment. I was busy doing things I planned to do, things that I wanted to do. But it didn’t last long. Slowly, the responsibilities started to creep in.
Three months.. six months had passed since I arrived but still, I was jobless. I started to get weary of not getting a job, of not being able to support my parents and even my own needs, and of my inability to travel. Not to mention that I couldn’t even go for a walk without having a brain freeze, literally. It felt like, my freedom was lost.
Few more months had passed and nothing changed. Suddenly, I felt exhausted. One by one, I ditched the things I love doing. Things that I once thought I could go on with forever. I started to feel regrets; to feel angry; to feel alone, sad and depressed. It felt so heavy. Too much for a small person like me to carry and drag it for another couple of months.
There were times where I woke up in the middle of the night tormented by the same feeling I was having for seven months — no, nine I think or ten, I lost track. Then questions would start to pop up: “What was happening? Why did I end up being here? Like this? Why do I feel so miserable and unhappy?” I kept on asking, and kept on weeping. This scenario continued. I became more lonely, more sad, and lost.
One day, my friend Jacq, sent me a TED Talk video about “The Power of Vulnerability” by Brene Brown. I enjoyed it, so I watched more and more. Until I came across this TED Talk about “How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over” by Mel Robbins. It was bold. It was raw. It was amazing! It’s like a slap in my face. I watched it once more. It punched me in my guts!
OUCH! IT HURTS!
Then I woke up. After a year long of sleeping, at last, I did wake up.
“Now what?” asked by the still sleepy side of me.
“Find a job, help your family, travel, make a difference.” answered by the fully awake side of me.
“But..” appealed by the sleepy side of me.
“Shut up! No buts. No trying. Just do it! You will find a way, you’ll see. Just get up and START!” nagged by the fully awake side of me.
Then I started to make up my bed, stretched my arms and legs, pulled myself together and got ready; ready to live the life I left behind. To be a TRAVELER, an ADVENTURER, with PURPOSE. Like what I used to be — like I always wanted to be.